In this episode of Relational Trauma SOS, host Jeni Brockbank invites listeners into a deeply personal space by sharing her own R.E.S.T. process.

R.E.S.T. is a framework for finding peace in the midst of relational trauma:

R – Release to God what you can’t control and what you can control.

E- Express to another person what you can't control and what you can control

S- Symbolize Giving What Can't Be Controlled To God

T- Take Action

Jeni opens up about what this looks like in her own healing journey, exploring the vulnerability it takes to let go and the freedom that follows when we hand over the weight we were never meant to carry.

If you’ve ever felt overwhelmed by what’s outside your control, this conversation offers gentle guidance, spiritual grounding, and hope for creating more space for peace in your own life.

Find a FREE TS-12 Anon meeting here!  Trauma Sensitive 12-Steps has arrived.

Purchase the TS-12 Anon book.  (Affiliate Link)

Read about REST on our website.

Title: Boundaries: Getting to the Root

Episode Summary:
In this episode, we explore why it’s essential to understand the root of destructive patterns so we can place boundaries on what truly matters—not just the obvious behaviors. We discuss how missing Truth, Ownership, and Empathy (T-O-E) can allow harmful cycles to repeat, and share real-life scenarios to illustrate how subtle patterns escalate into emotional, relational, and financial harm.

TOE – The Root Issues:

• T – Truth: Protecting ourselves when honesty is absent.

• O – Ownership: Protecting ourselves when others refuse to take responsibility.

• E – Empathy: Protecting ourselves from indifference or lack of consideration.

Featured Story – Julia (Anonymous):
Julia discovered her spouse had been betraying her trust in ways she never imagined. Despite therapy and honest conversations, he denied, minimized, and shifted blame. He gained control over her finances, monitored communications, manipulated the children, and isolated her from friends and family. Left financially destitute, she filed for divorce and now faces ongoing post-separation abuse. Julia’s story shows the urgent need for safety, support, and healing for survivors—and highlights the wider impact of unchecked coercive control.

Scenarios Explored in This Episode:

• Gaslighting and Betrayal – Sophie & Charlie

• Addiction & Emotional Withdrawal – Claire & David

• Emotional Push-Pull – Lena & Chris

• Coercive Control – Hannah & Daniel

Healing & Support:
We discuss a 3-day, 2-night retreat in Utah for survivors like Julia, featuring:

• Trauma-sensitive yoga

• Therapist presentations

• TS-12 Anon support groups

• Kintsugi creative expression

• Angel Whisper experiences

• Community connection

How You Can Help:

• $50 – Warm welcome gift

• $200 – One full day of retreat care

• $600 – Sponsor the full retreat for one woman

• $800 – Retreat + travel assistance

• $1,800 – Circle of Healing Sponsor (three women)

Every dollar supports trauma-informed care, safety, and restoration.

Donate: https://herwingsunfold.org/sponsor-a-survivor/

For a victim advocate to walk with you through a safety plan contact: jeni@herwingsunfold.org

Resources for Survivors:

• National Domestic Violence Hotline: 800-799-SAFE (7233)

• Create Your Personal Safety Plan

Connect with HER Wings Unfold:

• herwingsunfold.org

• ts12anon.org

Have you ever felt like you’re stuck in a loop of destructive relationship patterns—where the same hurtful behaviors repeat over and over, almost like Groundhog Day?

In this episode of Relational Trauma SOS, host Jeni Brockbank, Executive Director of H.E.R. Wings Unfold and a victim advocate, explores the Cycle of 4-A Behavior: Abuse, Addiction, Adultery, and Abandonment.

Using vivid analogies like volcanoes erupting and Groundhog Day, Jeni explains how destructive patterns often follow a predictable path:

1. Tension Building – the pressure beneath the surface.

2. Explosive Behaviors – the eruption.

3. Fragile Peace – the calm that follows, before it begins again.

For many survivors, simply naming the cycle brings relief and clarity: “This isn’t random. It’s a pattern—and patterns can be broken.”

This episode also includes a gentle guided meditation to close—offering self-compassion and empowerment through the imagery of a bird learning to spread her wings, reminding us all:

• This is hard.

• I am not alone.

• I am learning to soar.

Resources mentioned in this episode:

• Step 4 inventories in the TS-12 Anon program → ts12anon.org

• Cycle of 4-A Behavior Worksheet (FREE)

• Join the 10 STRONG Wings Campaign to support women in healing

• Blog Post: Breaking Free From the Cycle of 4-A Behavior

✨ Trauma survivors belong here.

In this episode of Relational Trauma SOS, Jeni Brockbank invites listeners to explore what it means to cultivate an authentic and healing relationship with God.

For many survivors, rigid structures and formulas around spirituality can feel unsafe. Instead of checklists, this conversation leans into gentleness, curiosity, and freedom — encouraging a connection with the Divine that is safe, meaningful, and deeply personal.

Along the way, Jeni shares flexible pathways for spiritual connection such as prayer, music, movement, creativity, journaling, and sacred spaces. She also reads a powerful and vulnerable poem, “Shells” by Susan, which beautifully captures the longing, breaking, and tender rebuilding of relationship with God.

This episode is an invitation: not to do spirituality the “right way,” but to discover relationship with God that feels real, honest, and sustaining.

Links & Resources

• TS-12 Anon Meetings – the first trauma-sensitive 12-step program for survivors of relational harm: ts12anon.org

• TS-12 Anon Book – available on Amazon: Purchase here (affiliate link)

• ️ HER Wings Unfold – nonprofit offering resources, advocacy, Newsletter and healing support: herwingsunfold.org

• Donate to Support Survivors – help women attend retreats and access healing: herwingsunfold.org/donate

Episode Highlights

• Why rigid spiritual structures can feel unsafe for trauma survivors

• The beauty of flexibility and choice in reconnecting with God

• A “buffet” of ways to connect spiritually from Step 11 of TS-12 Anon— from prayer to music to movement

• Susan’s moving poem “Shells” and how God sometimes speaks through silence and nature

• A closing reflection on the longing and beauty of authentic spiritual connection

Relational Trauma SOS – A H.E.R. Wings Unfold Production
Tagline: Trauma Survivors Belong Here

Episode Overview

In this heartfelt episode, Jeni Brockbank — Executive Director of H.E.R. Wings Unfold and certified victim’s advocate — explores what it means to heal a relationship with God after experiencing relational trauma.

For many survivors, the spiritual journey is complicated. Trust, even with God, can take time to rebuild. Jeni shares personal insights, biblical reflections, and practical activities for healing a wounded relationship with God at different stages of trauma recovery.

In This Episode

• Listener shout-outs from Pakistan, Salt Lake City, and Indonesia

• TS-12 Anon growth update — four weekly Zoom meetings for betrayal trauma, loved ones of emotionally immature individuals, and general support

• Lessons from Job on bringing honest questions to God

• Discovering your worth and how it changes your spiritual relationship

• ✏️ Three healing reltionship with God activities tailored to the trauma recovery stages:

  1. Safe/Unsafe Circles with God

  2. Writing a Personal Lament

  3. Creating an Angel Timeline

Free Resources

Download both free PDFs from this blog post:
When Relationship with God Feels Complicated

Get Involved

• Join a Meeting: Find a TS-12 Anon meeting

• Connect: herwingsunfold.org | ts12anon.org

• Support a Survivor: Donate to sponsor a women’s retreat seat

• Participate In Our 10 STRONG Wings Campaign and donate just $10

Donate now to support H.E.R. Wings Unfold: https://herwingsunfold.org/donate/
Find a TS-12 Anon Meeting: https://www.ts12anon.org/find-a-meeting.html

Welcome to Relational Trauma SOS! In this episode, we’re honored to speak with Tara McCausland about 9 Best Practices for Faith Leaders—a powerful guide developed by S.A. Lifeline to help clergy and spiritual leaders support individuals and couples affected by another’s unwanted sexual behavior.

These best practices are especially important for anyone ministering to people navigating betrayal trauma, abuse, addiction, adultery, or abandonment. Whether you're a pastor, bishop, therapist, or community leader, this conversation offers insight and empathy for guiding those in crisis.

We also highlight the growing need for trauma-sensitive healing communities and share some heartfelt updates about the expanding reach of TS-12 Anon, our 12-step program for survivors of relational trauma.

In this episode:

• Why faith leaders are like first responders in trauma care

• How to support both the affected partner and the offending individual

• Why separate meetings with each spouse are crucial

• Understanding betrayal trauma and how it impacts the brain and body

• Recognizing and respecting the affected partner’s timeline for healing and forgiveness

• The importance of compassion and accountability

“Understand, faith leader, that this is not a marriage issue. It’s something that’s happened within the marriage.” – Dr. Barbara Steffens

️ Special Note From the Host
We’ve been wonderfully overwhelmed by the number of survivors joining TS-12 Anon groups. If you're seeking a safe, trauma-informed community, we invite you to join us. We are also forming new groups tailored to specific experiences—such as domestic violence, childhood trauma, or being the loved one of an alcoholic. Email hello@ts12anon.org if you're interested.

Here’s what one anonymous participant recently shared:

“I believe TS-12 Anon was the missing piece in my healing journey. I’m already noticing a shift within myself and I feel like I’m reconnecting all the parts of me that were shattered and scattered at Discovery.”

If you’ve been waiting for an invitation, here it is.

Support Survivors Through 10 Strong Wings
She may be your coworker, neighbor, or friend—someone silently struggling after relational trauma. Your donation gives her a chance to attend our women’s healing retreat at no cost. Just $10 can make a difference. Join the movement.

Resources Mentioned in the Episode:

9 BEST Practices For Faith Leaders – S.A. Lifeline (PDF)

️ Pathway to Recovery Podcast: How Faith Leaders Can Support Couples (Raabsmith Interview)

Research Article: Pornography Use and Sexual Aggression

Study about domestic violence in correlation with porn consumption

Thank you for listening to Relational Trauma SOS. If this episode helped you, please consider sharing it with a faith leader, friend, or loved one.

️ Trauma survivors belong here.
herwingsunfold.org
hello@ts12anon.org

Episode Description:

In this episode of Relational Trauma SOS, Jeni Brockbank explores what it means to try to heal while still “being shot at”—navigating crisis after crisis. Using the powerful quote, “We don’t expect soldiers to heal from PTSD while they’re being shot at,” Jeni shares pieces of her own story and a survival guide for those who feel like life won’t slow down enough to breathe.

You’ll hear personal examples, practical tools rooted in TS-12 Anon Step 3, and the Shield of Light Meditation—a trauma-sensitive visualization to help you feel safe in your body.

Episode Highlights:

• Why shame and minimizing don’t help in crisis

• How to practice self-compassion and “lower the bar” when surviving

• How to create at least one safe space for yourself, even when life is chaotic

• The Shield of Light Meditation (with options for those who struggle with visualization)

• Free downloadable What Does Safety Look Like, Sound Like, and Feel Like? Worksheet

Resources & Links from This Episode:

• 10 STRONG Wings Campaign – Donate $10: https://herwingsunfold.org/donate/

• FREE What Does Safety Look Like, Sound Like and Feel Like? Worksheet: https://herwingsunfold.org/what-does-safety-look-like-sound-like-and-feel-like/

• “Learning to Fly” Lyric Video: Watch on YouTube →

• Follow H.E.R. Wings Unfold:

  • Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/herwingsunfold/

  • Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=61578036710116

• Learning To Fly is now streaming on major platforms:

  • Spotify: https://open.spotify.com/track/6OIfbSYiinkKQm8OzGxG1H?si=uBH7pEpwRuiPQcJLQkjQdw

  • Apple Music: https://music.apple.com/us/album/learning-to-fly-single/1829108058

  • Amazon Music: https://music.amazon.com/albums/B0FJYPJWX9?ref=dm_sh_EBnEwTuaFUY2TswQ9aYVJASW8

Key Takeaway:

You are not failing if you’re not thriving right now. Surviving something incredibly painful takes strength and courage. These resources and tools are here to help you feel less alone and build safety—one small step at a time.

Links to Learn More + Get Involved:

• Women's Retreat Details & Vision

• ✨ Get Retreat Updates

• Sponsor a Survivor

️ Episode Summary:

So many of us were taught — directly or indirectly — that healing is something we have to earn. That we must prove ourselves, fix others, or forgive fast enough before we’re “allowed” to rest, receive, or repair. But that’s not true.

In this episode of Relational Trauma SOS, we gently dismantle that belief and offer a new truth:
You are worthy of healing. Not because you’ve done everything right — but because you are inherently worthy of healing.

Join us for a soft, soul-grounding conversation on:

• What makes healing feel so hard to claim

• How betrayal, abandonment, and gaslighting distort our sense of worth

• Being inherently worthy

• What it means to say healing is a birthright

• A sacred invitation to support or attend the She Deserves to Heal retreat

We close with a meditative reflection to help listeners reconnect with the steady, sacred self within — the part of that never left, no matter what was done to you.

In today’s episode of Relational Trauma SOS, we explore what it means to reclaim authorship over our stories—especially after experiencing another’s abuse, addiction, adultery, or abandonment (what we call 4-A behavior).

For many survivors, sharing our experience can be layered with fear, shame, confusion, or heartbreak. We may have been blamed, dismissed, or asked painful questions like “Why didn’t you leave?” We may still be searching for the language to name what happened. And we’ve learned that not every space—or person—is safe.

This episode gently walks listeners through:

• Why trauma can make storytelling difficult

• How owning our story is an act of empowerment

• The healing impact of being compassionately witnessed

• How to set boundaries when deciding who gets to hear our story

• A beautiful meditation using the metaphor of a sacred book

Whether you’re ready to share, still finding your voice, or just beginning to believe that your story matters—this episode is for you.

Resources & Mentions:

• Visit ts12anon.org to find trauma-sensitive 12-step meetings

• Purchase the TS-12 Anon book (affiliate link)

• Learn more about our nonprofit at herwingsunfold.org

• Subscribe to the newsletter for support, updates, and event info.

• Volunteer, donate, or share your voice—

• Trauma survivors belong here

Every dollar helps fund trauma-sensitive healing resources, retreats, care packages, and safe spaces for women impacted by abuse, addiction, adultery, and abandonment.

Buy the Book: TS-12 Anon on Amazon

️ Episode Title: S2 E2 – The Revolution of Trauma-Sensitive 12 Steps: TS-12 Anon

Welcome to another episode of Relational Trauma SOS, a H.E.R. Wings Unfold production. In this heartfelt and hopeful conversation, host Jeni Brockbank shares the story behind the creation of TS-12 Anon—the first trauma-sensitive 12-step program specifically designed for individuals impacted by 4-A behavior: another’s abuse, addiction, adultery, or abandonment.

This episode introduces TS-12 Anon’s purpose, who it’s for (and not for), and how it differs from traditional 12-step models. Jeni also shares exciting updates, dreams for the future, and an encouraging discussion with her friend Lynn, who offers her perspective on the power and promise of trauma-sensitive healing.

In This Episode:

• Why TS-12 Anon is revolutionary for survivors of 4-A behavior

• How H.E.R. Wings Unfold is reimagining healing with dignity, affordability, and community

• Who TS-12 Anon is for—and important clarifications on who it’s not for

• The current TS-12 Anon meeting schedule (3 virtual groups and growing!)

• How to find or start a meeting at ts12anon.org

• Ways to bring TS-12 Anon to shelters or support groups, including bulk pricing options

• Future dreams: adapted editions, community partnerships, and trauma-informed spaces to heal

Resources & Links:

• Donate to Help Her Heal

• Buy the TS-12 Anon Book on Amazon

• Find or Start a Meeting

• Learn More About H.E.R. Wings Unfold

• Contact Us for Bulk Pricing

Current TS-12 Anon Meetings:

• Monday Night: General meeting (open to all)

• Thursday Night: Women’s only meeting for those healing from betrayal trauma

• Sunday Night: For those with a loved one who is emotionally immature and/or has a personality disorder

How You Can Help:

• Leave a 5-star review and rating to help survivors find this podcast

• Follow us on Instagram @herwingsunfold and @relationaltraumasos

• Share this episode with someone who needs to know they’re not alone

• Reach out to partner with us on literature adaptations or community efforts

You are not alone. You are not crazy. You belong here.
Together, we’re creating space for healing, empowerment, and rising.

Support trauma-sensitive healing for women impacted by abuse, addiction, adultery, or abandonment (4-A behavior). Your donation helps fund TS-12 Anon meetings, survivor care packages, healing retreats, and the creation of a safe space to heal and rise. Thank you for being part of this important mission.

️ Episode Title: We’re Back—With Hope, Healing, and a Wider Lens

Welcome to Relational Trauma SOS, a podcast for survivors of the 4 A’s—abuse, addiction, adultery, and abandonment. After a four-year pause, host Jeni Brockbank returns with a powerful and deeply personal episode.

In this relaunch, Jeni shares her lived experience of relational trauma, post-separation abuse, systemic harm, and survival—alongside the story of founding H.E.R. Wings Unfold, a nonprofit dedicated to helping women heal with dignity. She also introduces TS-12 Anon, the first-ever trauma-sensitive 12-step program for survivors of 4-A behavior.

In This Episode:

• Why the podcast disappeared and what brought it back

• How Jeni lived through all 4 A’s—abuse, addiction, adultery, abandonment

• Real-life examples of post-separation abuse and systemic failure

• The launch of H.E.R. Wings Unfold and its healing mission

• The need for trauma-sensitive recovery and the creation of TS-12 Anon

• Dreaming of a physical healing space with yoga, art therapy, and income-building workshops

• How you can support survivors and help rewrite the future of healing

Resources Mentioned:

• H.E.R. Wings Unfold Website: herwingsunfold.org

• Donate to Help Her Heal: herwingsunfold.org/donate

• TS-12 Anon FIND A MEETING

• BUY the Book TS-12 Anon

• Join Our Newsletter: herwingsunfold.org/contact

Featured Song: Learning to Fly

This original track plays at the end of the episode. This song should be available for purchase by 07/18/2025 on all major platforms.  All proceeds from the song benefit H.E.R. Wings Unfold.

Connect With Us:

• Instagram: @herwingsunfold

• Instagram: @relationship_trauma_sos

• Share this episode, leave a review, and rate it 5 stars—it helps more survivors find this resource.

 Trauma survivors belong here.

Why do we need the surrender process? Rhyll says that the rewards of surrendering to God are peace. For those of us who struggle with betrayal trauma, peace is like water to our souls.

Rhyll shares her 3 step surrender process and adds some extra details that I find particularly helpful. The basics to the 3 steps of surrender are:

• 1- Knees.
• 2- Phone.
• 3- Box.

Surrendering to God is a key component of 12 step recovery work. Rhyll’s insights are helpful for newcomers and those more experienced in 12 step recovery work.

NOTES:

To attend a gender specific SA Lifeline 12 step meeting for betrayal trauma and/ or sex addiction, please visit https://salifeline.org/ .

To attend the SA Lifeline conference (virtually or in person) on September 18th 2021 visit https://salifeline.org/s-a-lifeline-conference-2021/. Speakers include Stephanie Carnes and Jay Stringer.

Rhyll Anne Croshaw’s book, What Can I Do About Me, can be purchased here.

The Circles Model can be found here.

The Betrayal Trauma SOS podcast has a previous episode on surrender. You can listen here, or search for episode 13 on most any major podcast platform.

• Physically
• Emotionally
• & Spiritually

I’ve implemented some things from Ashlynn’s interview that have helped in my own healing. I am hopeful that they will help in yours as well.

Ashlynn is a podcast host for This Is Ashlynn, The Betrayed the Addicted and the Expert, is a co-creator of the program Beyond Enough, runs betrayal trauma groups and is a health and fitness coach.

Learn to be the buffalo with me? XO Jeni

https://www.instagram.com/mamabear.fitness/

https://linktr.ee/mamabear.fitness

Very special thanks goes to my husband who decided to let me be more open about our story. This leaves him vulnerable, as he struggles with both sex addiction and mental illness. Thankfully, because we are now aware of the connection, our resources have expanded and we are finding healing.

By sharing our story, we hope that others can know that they aren’t alone, gain awareness and perhaps get much needed help.

A year ago I knew that I needed more insight into staying present, so I decided to interview Pam Blizzard. What Pam graciously shared with me was critical to my own healing journey.

I’m excited to (finally!) make this interview public!!! If you struggle with future tripping, like I do, then this interview may be key for experiencing some relief in the midst of intensity.

To find out more about betrayal trauma coach Pam Blizzard and the recovery services that she offers, please visit https://recoveredpeace.com/ . Facebook group: Recovering Spouses of Sex Addicts.

What is sex addiction and might you or a loved one be struggling with sex addiction?

In this sex addiction podcast episode, we will take a whole body approach.  Let’s discuss how sex addiction affects people physically, emotionally and spiritually.  I’ll even share my horcrux addiction theory. 

We'll discuss:

• What is sex addiction?
• Why is it important to be informed about sex addiction?  
• Is sex addiction legit???? 
• Learn how sex addiction affects the user physically.
• How can sex addiction affect the user emotionally?
• Learn how sex addiction affects the user spiritually.
• Sex Addiction Horcrux Theory

Key Quotes from this week's episode:

Fight the New Drug says that, “ Porn happens to be fantastic at forming new, long-lasting pathways in the brain. In fact, porn is such a ferocious competitor that hardly any other activity can compete with it, including actual sex with a real partner. That’s right, porn can actually overpower the brain’s natural ability to have real sex! Why? As Dr. Norman Doidge, a researcher at Columbia University, explains, porn creates the perfect conditions and triggers the release of the right chemicals to make lasting changes in the brain…. Repeated consumption of porn causes the brain to literally rewire itself. It triggers the brain to pump out chemicals and form new nerve pathways, leading to profound and lasting changes in the brain….”

Neurosurgeon Donald Hilton challenges the idea that drugs are only things that you can purchase: “Why is it that some consider adrenaline and dopamine to be drugs if drug companies produce them, yet they will not acknowledge these same chemicals to be drugs if pornography stimulates the brain to produce them?”

From Fight the New Drug, “The rise in porn-induced erectile dysfunction is something to be alarmed about.  Frequently watching porn can lead to erections which can increasingly ONLY be induced by hardcore pornography.  That’s not healthy.” 

The following is from a Brannon Patrick Instagram post, “Addiction is a deathless death, it numbs the pain and the joy.”

The following is a quote from Clay Olsen, who is the Co-Founder & President of Fight the New Drug.  Clay says, “Having a healthy perspective of yourself, and a healthy amount of self-esteem and confidence is very important in maintaining a healthy lifestyle overall. The fantasy of porn tends to take away from that and give consumers the idea that they’re not good enough exactly as you are. We fight against that, and we fight to say that you are worth loving, and you are good enough.”

From the book Love You, Hate the Porn by  Mark Chamberlain and Geoff Steurer they say, Pornography’s “ultimate price: When he’s going to it, he’s not going to her.”  The same can be said of women and can be reworded, “when she’s going to it, she’s not going to him.”  

SOURCES

Donald L. Hilton Jr., MD speaks to Youth and Parents about Pornography and its impact on the Brain

Brain, Heart, World (3 online videos)

Is Addiction a Choice Or a Disease? Therapy Brothers podcast

Brannon Patrick Instagram Post about how Addiction Isn’t Just Compulsive Behavior

How Porn Changes the Brain (Fight the New Drug)

American Society of Addiction Medicine (addiction quote)

The Coolidge Effect (Wikipedia)

Treating Sexual Addiction: A Compassionate Approach To Recovery by Dr. Kevin Skinner (Affiliate link)

He Restoreth My Sould: Understanding and Breaking the Chemical and Spiritual Chains of Pornography Through the Atonement of Jesus Christ by Donald L. Hilton (Affiliate link)

Love You, Hate the Porn by Mark Chamberlain & Geoff Streurer (Affiliate Link)

Everything You Know About Addiction Is Wrong Ted Talk by Johann Hari  Rat Park)

2 Samuel Chapter 11

Psalms 51: 2, 3, 9-11

Revelations 12:7

Third Part of the Hosts of Heaven Explanation by Ask Gramps

Matthew 17:14-21

Matthew 12:43-45

GET HELP From Sex Addiction by ExploringThese Resources:

*Highly recommended to get specialized help.  Certified Sex Addiction Therapists are trained in sex addiction.  Find a Certified Sexual Addiction Therapist (CSAT) here.

No Fap (forums, groups, paid support groups)

Pure Life Ministries

Lifestar Network

Addo Recovery

Fortify

Path For Men

Pure Life Ministeries

Lifestar Network- (IOP) Intensive Outpatient Program

Sexaddict.com Dr. Doug Weiss (Intensives, counseling)

12 Step Programs:

Sexaholics Anonymous

Sex Addicts Anonymous

SA Lifeline

Addiction Recovery Program (The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints)

Healing Through Christ

Emotions!  When betrayal trauma hits, emotions can be all over the place.

“traumatized people chronically feel unsafe inside their bodies: The past us alive in the form of gnawing interior discomfort.  Their bodies are constantly bombarded by visceral warning signs, and, in an attempt to control these processes, they often become expert at ignoring their gut feelings and in numbing awareness of what is played out inside.  They learn to hid from their selves." Besel Van Der Kolk

As we can see with soldiers, how we deal with emotions can easily and understandably swing too far one way or the other. It's like a pendulum. We can go too far one way and too far another. The hope is that we can learn to be more centered.

Emotions aren’t bad or good, they just are.  

From the website Thought Catalog, this quote is by Anna Gragert “When I started going to therapy, it was pointed out to me that I label my emotions as either “positive” or “negative.” In response to positive emotions, I push myself to stay on the train of happiness. As for negative emotions, I tend to push them away and feel as if I caused my own demise. Obviously, this is not healthy, but I feel that a lot of us tend to do this. We do not want to deal with painful emotions, which is why we throw ourselves into our work or paste a fake smile upon our faces.” (Thought Catalog post written by Anna Gragert)

Toxic Positivity

Have you ever had someone tell you, when you are in the middle of severe emotional distress, things in an effort to help that go something like this,

“You can choose happiness right now!”

“It's alright, you just need to keep going.”

“You need to focus on positive things.”

“Just be positive.”

“You’re so lucky that  _________ didn’t happen to you.”

And more. Might I suggest boundaries with those who have yet learned to "mourn with those who mourn and comfort those who stand in need of comfort." That's from Mosiah 18: 8- 10. (Take what you like and leave the rest.)

In case it’s validating for anyone, I’ll link a Hope Works Video: titled Mourn With Those That Mourn to see healthy ways of addressing someone going through hard things.

Another valuable resource might be Episode 4 of the Betrayal Trauma SOS Podcast titled: Why Your Story Matters and How To Safely Share it.

Likewise though, we can also apply toxic positivity to ourselves. We might expect that we should be to a certain point in our healing, or we might think that we should not feel something in particular. It's easy to undervalue the impact of our experience and/ or what we think the effects of betrayal trauma should be.

Can I suggest that we take out the “I should’s” and seek for acceptance of what is. This is brave to face.

Honoring Emotions

Emotions need to be honored. In this episode I discuss a personal story of how I had no tears after our formal disclosure and how honoring anger was key to my healing. (Listen for the full story.)

My 5 Basics For Handling STRONG Emotions are:

In regards to honoring emotions vs. indulging in emotions: Dr. Jonice Webb quote “Honoring an emotion involves sitting with it, accepting it and trying to understand it. For some emotions, going through the process of honoring it is enough to make it tolerable.”

Dr. Webb then goes on to talk about some people being stuck at this point and talks about moving towards action.

To hear more details, please listen to the entire episode. Let’s heal together.    XO Jeni

SOURCES:

The Body Keeps the Score by Besel Van Der Kolk (affiliate link)

Emotions Aren’t Good Or Bad, They Just Are by Anna Gragert

Mosiah 18:8-10

Episode 4: Why Your Story Matters and How To Safely Share it (Betrayal Trauma SOS Podcast)

Mourn With Those That Mourn- Hope Works Video 

Scriptures about Jesus cleansing the temple: John 2: 13-16

Episode 3: First Aid Kit + a Body Scan (Betrayal Trauma SOS Podcast)

Amy Andrus Video On the Feelings Wheel

Feelings Wheel

The Difference Between Honoring an Emotion and Indulging In It by Jonice Webb PhD

We can't "fix" our loved ones, but there are things that we can do. A few topics that we will discuss in this Betrayal Trauma SOS podcast episode are:

1- Learning About Sex Addiction

2- Keeping things shame free

3- Setting Boundaries 

4- Strengthening Intuition

“Intuition is not a single way of knowing - it's our ability to hold space for uncertainty and our willingness to trust the many ways we've developed knowledge and insight, including instinct, experience, faith and reason.”  Brene Brown

5- Surrendering

SOURCES

 The Gifts of Imperfection by Brene Brown (affiliate link)

Betrayal Trauma SOS Instagram post regarding porn being a needle

Betrayal Trauma SOS Podcast episode 8: Intuition You Were Right and You Knew It

Betrayal Trauma SOS Podcast episode 11: Boundaries When Your Spouse Has a Sex Addiction

Betrayal Trauma SOS Podcast episode 13: The POWER of Surrendering

This episode stems from a question from last week’s Q & A: “Hi Jeni!  I have a question for you: how do you raise sex addiction resistant children?  I think about having kids and I worry about them suffering from the same demons that my husband does.  I worry about them picking up not safe emotional habits.” 

I want to say thank you so much for this beautiful question.  I have many of the same concerns and am actively looking for ways to help my 6 children with these very things.  Basically, I’m in the trenches with you.

What does porn do to children’s brains?  

Neurosurgeon Donald Hilton says this: “Our brain cells change with learning. Addictive learning sculpts the brain in a very damaging way and we can become very set in certain behaviors and tastes.

When there is a reward like pornography, that's a specially powerful printing process. The brain doesn't forget that. A 12- year-old who sees hardcore porn is going to say 'Wow that was amazing'.

Sometimes children may be frightened, but the fascination overcomes the fright eventually.

One thing our brain wants is novelty, change. It wants a different face, a different body shape. Boys, and increasingly girls, are struggling with porn. They literally surf for hours looking for the perfect clip to masturbate to.

There is a lot of scientific evidence that sex can, and in particular Internet porn, be addictive. It's like a blackjack game, it's a different set of cards every time.”

The thing is, it's not IF children will see porn, it's WHEN.  

In a talk titled "A Sin Resistant Generation" by Joy D. Jones, she talks about a critical understanding when she says, “We must understand our—and their—divine identity and purpose before we can help our children see who they are and why they are here. We must help them know without question that they are sons and daughters of a loving Heavenly Father and that He has divine expectations of them.”

We discuss Rat Park in today's episode as well. We talk about the ROOT of addiction, which is lack of connection.

How do we make it safe for children to share their feelings in our home so that they can ultimately connect in healthy ways with others.

This week we also discuss the skill of making feelings safe. In regards to this, we discuss the following quote from Katy Willis, “When I finally learned that each one of us has the right to feel and that we can validate the other person without also having to validate the drama, the distortions, the story… it has completely changed the way I approach others.”

Something else that we can’t miss in this process is how do we talk to our children about sex and sexuality? Of course this is incredibly personal per family but I’ll share what we are working on.

We'll additionally talk about:

• Talking about sex in age appropriate ways

• Taking shame OUT when talking about sex to children

• How to talk about sex frequently

When Talking About Pornography, here's a few things that we teach our children:

1- Name it (That's pornography)

2- Crash (Turn off any devices, close a magazine, etc.)

3- Tell (Talk to a trusted adult- like a parent)

4- Recognize that no matter how it made you feel, you aren’t bad. Take the shame out.

What To Do When Your Child Tells You That They’ve Seen Porn

If one of my children comes and tells me that they have seen porn, 

Know that there are many levels of porn use and it doesn’t mean that they are addiction.  Of course, it doesn’t mean that there’s not addiction.  Staying curious is critical.

The pattern for my response looks like this:

1- Validate them as a person- bravery- Thank them for trusting me with such hard information.

2- Normalize emotions and desires (not actions.)

3-  Teach correct principles when needed without shame.  

4- Determine what support they need and follow through

5- Love, love love

SOURCES:

A Sin Resistant Generation by Joy D. Jones

Everything You Think You Know About Addiction Is Wrong- Ted Talk- Johann Hari

Children’s Brain Cells Changed by Internet Porn: Neurosurgeon

God Made All of Me by Justin S. Holcomb (affiliate link)

What Should I Do When I See Pornography video by The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints

Good Pictures Bad Pictures: Porn Proofing Today’s Young Kids by Kristen A. Jensen & Gail Poyner (affiliate link)

Good Pictures Bad Pictures Jr: A Simple Plan to Protect Young Minds by Kristen A. Jensen 7 Gail Poyner (affiliate link)

Fireproof (movie- affiliate link)

I appreciate all of the questions submitted for this Q &A episode.

In this Betrayal Trauma SOS podcast episode, I answer your questions about:

• If I am still married to the person who betrayed me.
• What the lines are for staying with your spouse after betrayal.
• How to tell if an addicted spouse is being honest or not?
• How to raise children who are resistant to sex addiction?
• Can I ever recover from betrayal trauma?
• Is there a way to keep from running?
• Can I forgive myself for betraying my spouse?

I greatly appreciate the thoughtful questions that were submitted for this Q & A.

Sources:

Divorce by Elder Dallin H. Oaks

Addiction Recovery Program Step 8: Be Firm and Steadfast

The Body Keeps the Score by Besel Van Der Kolk (affiliate link)

(8)Betrayal Trauma SOS podcast: Episode 8: Boundaries When Your Spouse Has a Sex Addiction

UCAP Presentation- Betrayal Trauma, Hope and Healing: How Do I Find My Way Out?  Sherie Christensen

(7) Episode 7: I Am Sacred

(11) Episode 11: Boundaries When Your Spouse Has a Sex Addiction

(13) Episode 13: The Power of Surrendering

Brene Brown:  3 Things You Can Do to Stop a Shame Spiral (Oprah’s Lifeclass)

Feeling weighed down? Do thoughts of your loved one's addiction consume your thoughts? I relate. Let's explore how to function from a place of peace in this week's episode: The POWER of SURRENDERING.

NOTE: Next week I will be doing a Question and Answer episode.   I welcome recovery and/ or personal questions regarding my own recovery by contacting me on Instagram, Facebook, or from the contact tab on the betrayaltraumasos.com website.  I certainly don’t have all of the answers but can offer what I have learned as well as consult with others who are farther ahead in recovery.  I do pledge confidentiality and anonymity. 

I have definitely tried to control my husband’s addiction.  For the first 17.5 years of our marriage, I thought I was being a great wife by almost never withholding sex, and oftentimes offering it more often.  Imagine my shock as we sat in a formal disclosure with our therapist to learn that not only had I not controlled his addiction with sex, but I also made it worse.  With eyes wide open that I was truly powerless, I was able to make better choices and set better boundaries.  Episode 5 titled: You Can’t Fix Sex Addiction With Sex goes into more detail about that issue if you’d like to check that out.

The WHY

WHY do we try to control?  That question carries with it heart-wrenching answers.  

The why is important and too often we focus on the resulting behaviors without looking deeper.  When we don’t look at the why, it is easy to start living in a breeding ground for shame.  The why helps us to stay curious and to be gentle with ourselves as we strive to change our shape.

Motives for control might include financial repercussions, a desire for connection, the desire to not suffer heartbreaking consequences, to rescue our loved ones and more.

I truly thought that I was controlling the outcome of my husband’s addiction, but in all reality, it was not true.  I had zero power and in the process of trying to control, I became miserable.  

SURRENDER

Here’s a question for each of us to consider: What would life look like if we could let go of control and really live life again?  What hobbies might we take up, what friendships might we cultivate, and what would our homes look like?  It’s lovely to dream sometimes. It is possible to live the dream and to find power in surrendering.

From the book Letting Go: The Pathway of Surrender by David R. Hawkins, he says this, quote “the more you pull on the rope to hitch yourself up to where you want to be, the more frazzled it becomes.  Possibly, you might be wondering, “Isn’t there an easier, better way?” Are you willing to let go of the rope?”

What’s the solution then?  How can we live life more fully?  What can we do to no longer live in fear? What can we do to let go of our frayed and frazzled ropes? 

One tool that can be helpful in recovery is that of surrender. 

Letting go of the rope looks different for everyone.

For me, surrender is more of a process and is a continual effort.  I’m learning that when I can identify the roots of fear, I can identify what to work on surrendering the outcome.  

The Process of Surrender

Doesn’t the thought of living in peace sound lovely?  *sigh* I agree.  To live in peace is a strong desire of mine, but how do we do that?  How do we achieve that level of serenity? How do people actually surrender?

Oftentimes it’s easy to get lost in the big picture of our situations.

In this episode, we'll discuss the song "The Next Right Thing," from Frozen 2 as it relates focusing on the next step instead of the overwhelming big picture.

Along these lines, is the concept of Daily Bread. 

When we choose to rely day by day, hour by hour, minute by minute and sometimes even breath by breath on God, we surrender control to Him.  Join me in discussing different ways that people surrender.

The Ultimate Surrender

For those who believe in Christian doctrine as I do, I cannot leave this subject without discussing the ultimate act of surrender and that to me is Jesus Christ.  Again, take what you like and leave the rest.  Jesus said, “Father, if thou be willing, remove this cup from me: nevertheless not my will, but thine, be done.”   On a much smaller scale, I certainly relate with this feeling.  

In my own small way, I too have not wanted to drink gall.  Who wants to experience broken covenants that accompany broken hearts?  Who wants to experience physiological changes in their brains that hijack their nervous systems and create unwanted responses?  If we could avoid the gall presented to us, or pray that reality away, or heal instantly, certainly we would.  After all, who wants to know the pain of betrayal or the subsequent trauma?  The times when I have said, “Thy will be done,” and meant it, have been defining moments in my relationship with God.

Closing

Surrender for me has looked like walking out the door, when I was fairly certain that my husband would act out in his addiction and I would be subject to the consequences  It has looked like not using sex to manipulate my husband’s mood or to gain a false sense of connection.  At times when I don’t allow others to treat me like a welcome mat, I surrender the fear of becoming unneeded or unwanted.  When I practice self care, I surrender that I have needs, and so on.  Surrender for me is striving to be today as I become grateful for my reliance on daily bread instead of miraculous solutions.  It is accepting with ample compassion that I am not and cannot be perfect at this time.

Let's heal together. XOXO Jeni

SOURCES

Betrayal Trauma SOS Social Media: Instagram, Facebook

Episode 12: Grace To Heal From a Loved One’s Sex Addiction

Episode 5: You Can’t Fix Sex Addiction With Sex  

Intimate Deception Dr. Sheri Keffer (affiliate link)

S-Anon 12 Steps- Blue Book (affiliate link)

The Gifts of Imperfection by Brene Brown (affiliate link)

Episode 7: I Am Sacred

Suicide Hotline: 1-800-273-8255

TIPSA- Trauma Inventory for Partner’s of Sex Addicts

Treating Trauma From Sexual Betrayal by Dr. Kevin Skinner (affiliate link)

Exodus chapter 16

Give Us This Day Our Daily Bread- BYU Devotional- D. Todd Christofferson

The Next Right Thing (Youtube video)

Frozen 2- the movie (affiliate link)

3 Key Elements events

SA Lifeline

What Can I Do About Me by Rhyll Anne Croshaw (affiliate link)

Luke 22:42

Women's Stories of GRACE In Healing From Betrayal Trauma

I am honored to welcome 9 women who share their personal experiences with grace as they heal from betrayal trauma. Their experiences have strengthened me and I look forward to sharing their beautiful stories of Grace in this episode

Religions That Teach About Grace

Grace, is a fundamental concept of Christianity, however, the more I looked into the concept of grace, the more I realized that it is found in many religions and not just Christianity.  For instance, did you know that the Hebrew word that is similar to grace is chen?  I found that grace was also found in Hinduism, Islam, Buddhism and more.

Something in me seems to melt when I hear or think about grace.  When reading the scriptures, and in particular, the New Testament, I highlight the word grace anytime I see it. My New Testament is littered with that beautiful word and I have wondered how it applies to me. Lately, I have contemplated how it applies to healing from betrayal trauma.  As I’ve actively looked for the role of grace in my recovery from betrayal trauma, I have seen it everywhere.  How stunning and wonderful to realize that grace was at the center of every tool and every healing principle.  

Grace For the Brokenhearted

Grace certainly has the ability to cleanse from sin, but today, I am addressing the heartbroken.  I know because I walk among you as one of your own.  Today, in regards to grace I will primarily focus on the enabling power of grace as it has healing properties.  

I love this definition of grace from Sheri Dew’s book Amazed by Grace as she says, quote “What is Grace? Grace is divine, enabling power.

Author and Pastor Max Lucado has a video about Grace and a book as well wherein he tells a story about a man named  Li Fuyan.  Mr. Fuyan had suffered from terrible headaches for 4 years.  Nothing had gotten rid of his headaches.  Nothing.  Finally, the doctors took an x-ray and discovered that a rusty four inch knife blade was in his skull.  Years earlier he had an altercation with a robber and had been attacked.  Mr. Fuyan did not know that the knife blade from the robber had broken off under his jaw and into his skull.

Buried pain can be similar to the knife.  When we bring our pain to our higher power or God, we invite the surgeon to remove the proverbial knife.  

Surgery and recovery are not typically pleasant experiences.  They take time, skill, and following directions from the surgeon.  As walking wounded, we have proverbial knives stabbed deep into our souls.  Removing them typically takes time, patience and a great deal of compassion. 

In this episode, I also talk about ways that grace is healing my family from the consequences of sex addiction and betrayal trauma.

SOURCES:

Betrayal Trauma SOS Boundaries Video

Amazing But Divergent Concepts of Grace

Divine Grace- Wikipedia

Amazed by Grace by Sheri Dew (affiliate link)

Luke 4:18 and Isaiah 61:1

Max Lucado- Video on grace 

Grace: More Than We Deserve, Greater Than We Imagine">Grace: More Than We Deserve, Greater Than We Imagine by Max Lucado (affiliate link)

Episode 10: Facing Denial to Live in Truth

Episode 11: Boundaries When Your Spouse Has a Sex Addiction 

Pure Desires Ministries

Conquer Series DVD Set Volume 1

Conquer Series DVD Set Volume 2

KATY WILLIS

• Be Still Yoga Courses
• Be Still with Katy Willis on Facebook
• Be Still Services Website

KAREN RELLOS: Betrayal Trauma Coach (APSATS Certified)

• Redeeming Love Website
• Redeeming Love on Instagram

While a few things in this episode are geared towards spouses who are married to someone that struggles with sex addiction, most of what we are discussing is applicable to other addictions as well.  Whether your spouse is addicted to drugs, alcohol, gambling, etc. you will likely find helpful information on boundaries in this episode.

This week, I share a snippet of what my life looked like before and after learning about boundaries.

When I’m employing boundaries, I don’t need to yell, shrink, threaten, or shame.  I recognize my worth and I recognize the worth of others as well.

Groundwork for boundaries include:  

• A rock-solid personal understanding that God uses boundaries.
• An understanding that we are to cleave to one another and our covenants in marriage, but that we do so individually.
• Boundaries are best implemented when we have a strong community to support us.
• The concept that my marriage might be saved by implementing boundaries was empowering. They became a primary source in a rescue mission. I was being rescued, my husband was offered a life preserver and if he chose recovery, our marriage might be rescued as well.

We'll discuss what boundaries with sex addiction are and what they aren't, and how they are ultimately about safety.

This episode includes the House analogy for boundaries.

I share my favorite insights about boundaries when your spouse struggles with sex addiction which include:

• Why boundaries are best when made with God and my personal experience with this.
• The power of personally tailoring boundaries to our loved ones, plus a personal example of when this was effective in my own life
• The difference between firm boundaries vs. fluid boundaries.  I share my own insights on this, along with my friend's experiences.
• We will also explore why it's important to be gentle with ourselves as we learn and adjust our boundaries, and why it's important to place a boundary around disconnect.
• Detaching with love is also a topic in this episode, along with what to do when your spouse or loved one pushes back against boundaries.

Betrayal Trauma SOS. Let's heal together.

SOURCES:

What Can I Do About Me by Rhyll Ann Croshaw (Affiliate link)

Episode 7: I Am Sacred 

Addiction Recovery Program- Step 8:  Be Firm and Steadfast 

Boundaries Updated and Expanded Edition: When To Say Yes, How To Say No To Take Control of Your Life by Dr. Henry Cloud & Dr. John Townsend (Affiliate link)

Beyond Breath by Sariah Bastian (Affiliate link)

Prana Yoga 

Episode 8 of Betrayal Trauma SOS: Intuition- You Were Right and You Knew It

Ep. 8-Rhyll’s Story from the Rise Up Restored Podcast 

Al-Anon- Detachment Document

Denial.  What is it and why do we need to be aware of it?  This podcast episode uses a parable from Deiter F. Uchtdorf about blind men feeling and describing different parts of an elephant. One feels the trunk and says that it must be snake-like, while another feels a leg and thinks it's more like a tree.

Denial is like that. It's easy to have blinders on and only describe small parts of the big picture. We end up painting a false picture to ourselves and others.

We can’t fix what we can’t see.  Shedding denial is a critical part of the healing process from betrayal trauma and other heartaches as well.

My goal has become to live in truth.  However unappealing it may seem, living in truth helps me to have a clear picture so that I can make adjustments in my life.  

For those of us who are suffering from trauma, living in truth is crucial because, as is talked about in The Body Keeps the Score by Bessel Van Der Kolk, it is important for us to integrate what has happened to us.

The Body Keeps the Score by Bessel Van Der Kolk (affiliate link)

Intimate Deception Dr. Sheri Keffer (affiliate link)

It’s Not Supposed To Be This Way (affiliate link)

What Is Truth (CES Devotional From 2013) Dieter F. Uchtdorf

All who are seeking to learn communication skills will likely find things of worth in today’s episode. While this Betrayal Trauma SOS podcast episode is geared towards helping those who are struggling with betrayal trauma learn better ways to communicate, most things can be applied to many different scenarios. 

Sometimes we have a message to convey that is very important to us, but it's as if we hit a wall when we try to communicate it.  

Have you ever felt highly elevated when faced with a hard conversation?  I know that I sure have.  Hard things are going on with our bodies, and this can happen to anyone. 

The basis of this episode stems from a talk given by Bonnie H. Cordon in the April 2020 General Conference for the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints. 

She talked about a time when her family hosted an apostle named Elder L. Tom Perry when she was 10 years old.  Late that night her mother asked if she had fed the chickens, and her cute response was that maybe the chickens should fast that night.  She didn’t want to leave the company of the apostle.  Of course that wasn’t acceptable, but Elder Perry had heard the exchange and offered to accompany her, along with his son to feed the chickens.  

She ran ahead and after jumping over the irrigation ditch that she was use to encountering. Elder Perry hadn't been able to follow her light. He stepped right into the irrigation ditch.

She says, "I was shining my light but not in a way that would help Elder Perry. Now, knowing that he needed my light to safely navigate the path, I focused the flashlight just ahead of his steps and we were able to return home with confidence.”

 I am learning that I can do my best to show up to hard conversations and can navigate them better when I employ communication skills.  I’m still a work in progress, and what I share today is from my own experiences and studies to improve my own communication skills. 

These 8 communication tools are what I am personally working on. More detail is provided in the podcast. Let's learn to communicate:

1. Understanding what we hope to accomplish with our conversation. When we are crystal clear with what we are hoping to accomplish, we can better stay on track in our conversations.

2. Organizing thoughts goes a long way.  When I take the time to organize my thinking before holding conversations, they tend to go much better.

3. Knowing I am of worth and that the other person is also of worth.  It is not humility to be less or more than what we were created to be.  It’s important to know that in God’s eyes we are on equal ground.  No matter our station, we are all important.  Internalizing this concept helps us to value not just our own thoughts, but those of others as well.  

4. Learning to be aware of our emotional state and use tools to stay grounded.  Whether we are highly elevated due to stress or trauma, becoming grounded can be a wonderful tool for being able to gain emotional stability and be able to re-engage in conversation from a more neutral place.

5. Consider your emotional safety and the emotional safety of those you are communicating with.

6. Consider that their response is about them. Of course, this takes practice and is easier said than done. It’s ok to be a work in progress.

7. Consider boundaries in conversations. I’m planning a boundaries episode soon, so stay tuned for that.

8. Taking drama out of communication.  The goal is to stay out of drama as best as possible.  This is likely a lifelong pursuit and the more I dig, the more evidence I find regarding my role in drama.  It’s often very subtle and difficult to see.  The better I get at not engaging in drama, the healthier my relationships become.

This week’s meditation will be on the Betrayal Trauma SOS Youtube page later this week.  I want to give a shout out to my friends who helped me make this week’s meditation regarding letting our light shine, something that I love.  Special thanks to Arianna Rees, who is a therapist trained life coach and is the host of the With Real Intent Podcast, and Katy Willis, who has many qualifications in regards to meditation and yoga plus a multitude of other things, a genuine thank you.  

As I better learn to communicate,I have found many blessing. I would love to hear if any part of this week's Betrayal Trauma SOS episode has been beneficial in your life.

XOXO Jeni

SOURCES:

Betrayal Trauma SOS Episode 2: Betrayal Trauma.  What is it?

Betraya Trauma SOS Episode 3: First Aid Kit + a Body Scan

Betrayal Trauma SOS Episode 8: Intuition- You Were Right and You Knew It 

Bonnie H. Cardon- That They May See

The Body Keeps the Score by Bessel Van Der Kolk (Affiliate Link)

Brene Brown mantra

Crucial Conversations by Patterson, Grenny, Mcmillan and Switzler (Affiliate Link)

Nonviolent Communication: A Language of Life: Life-Changing Tools for Healthy Relationships (Nonviolent Communications Guide) by Marshall B. Rosenberg (Affiliate Link)